Respect.

Respect. Do you have it? Until recently I hadn't realized what I was missing from my friends and family. Why every time we talked about me and my life, I would get this feeling that put a hole in my stomach and, it seemed, judgement in their faces. I thought it was because I wasn't appreciated. But, I have plenty of people who appreciate me. I can think of one person in particular that doesn't seem to appreciate me when I know for a fact that they do. The point is, I wasn't missing appreciation. I was missing respect. When I figured it out, the hole only got deeper.

To my own personal surprise, I wasn't angry or upset when I found out. In fact, it made me think of all the times growing up when my dad would say that we didn't respect him. That the things we sometimes did or said was disrespectful. To be completely forthright, I grew up despising the word respect. To me it had lost its true meaning and had become a word to avoid. I felt like it was being demanded of me and if you knew me at all, you would understand that I don't like to be bossed around.

You can't demand respect, and I knew this. So, when I had people telling me that I should respect someone I always asked the ultimate question,'Why should I?' In all  honesty, they probably did deserve respect, but, I was too stubborn and the very thought of the word was so ill-conceived in my mind that I refused to give it to them. I would hold a sort of grudge against the person who demanded my respect. It would almost seem as though it would run out, so I had to be very frugal with all that I had. Yes, I knew the meaning of the word and I knew how it felt to respect someone, but it was a rare event, indeed when I did accept the happening.

Finally, I got older and realized that respect wasn't something to spend but something to give. Especially to people who earned it. I realized, also, that I had people who did respect me for certain things that I'd achieved, but I didn't have it where it really counts. Or, at least from the one person that I really needed it from. Myself.

In my eyes I haven't really done anything to gain respect. I don't deserve it. And, I guess  if that was the case, I needed to try harder, so that I could earn it. But, it didn't help that I had people reminding me of why I shouldn't respect myself. They didn't know that's what they were doing, and I'm sure if they did, they may not have said anything. But, it's a good thing that they did. It makes me try to achieve my goals more efficiently. It doesn't matter how much respect you have from other people, if you don't have any saved back from yourself, you're going to have that hole in your stomach until you figure out a way to get it. Believe it or not, but you have a bar set for yourself. If you don't reach that bar, you may have that hole in your stomach for a while. The best thing you can do, is try your best to do something you can be proud of. For me, it's this.